a band-aid on vulnerability

It hurts.

I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was able to suppress such feelings of love and jealousy – when I look at photos of you I don’t get that tug in my gut like I used to. I now feel as if something’s lodged in my throat and my windpipe.

You look good. Really good.

Inner bitch came out and I’m here trying to stop myself, from stalking you, her, overthinking, clicking on the next photo to see more – I can’t help it.

The camera angle makes it look as if you’re holding her hand; in all those other shots you stare at her in the way you used to (don’t know if you still do, haven’t seen you in ages)  stare/look at me – the same intensity radiating from those eyes of yours, golden in the sun but speckled brown in the light.

My God, I am completely smitten.

Again.

This is why I’ve been trying to avoid you all year. I don’t want to let myself anywhere near you, I don’t want to have the opportunity for us to make any sort of eyecontact; mutual or not. I don’t want to fall back into the chasm between us, of turned heads, deleted chats and unsent messages.

I can’t allow that to happen, I can’t.

Christ. What’s gotten into me?


you have no idea how vulnerable I feel putting this on the internet but hey its helped me to move on from this thought – I’m glad you’re happy, I really am.

this too will pass – back to putting those walls around me again, I’m stronger than this.

 

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