(to be updated throughout today)

whether it ends good or bad, it was an experience.

– @tenwordpoetry on instagram

a reminder to start the morning.

its the first time i’ve set an alarm, planned something out, wrote little checklists for the day since october, and i must say its a strange strange feeling to know/feel again that i can be in control of what my body does.

just went out for a walk alone and its nice to spend time with your mind to clear everything out. as A said last night, be kind to yourself. it’s quite a piece of advice.

its 0941, 12/12/16 — i have about 8 more hours of functioning daylight times. during which i am going to try and take on insurmountable tasks and do things i was supposed to do ages ago. i doubt that i am able to complete the list, but i am going to try, and i promise i will get it done by the end of the day.

todolist.net is a great website i came across whilst searching on ‘online to do lists without account (because why the hassle) to get s*** done’. i reccomend you try it.

it sounds silly to have all of this “planned out” since i don’t think im going to be able to accomplish any of this anyway. but that’s the wrong frame of mind.

oh. i’ve also noticed that i seem to be able to creatively express myself better and stronger/more fluidly/concise when i type in the wordpress drafts, like i am now.

i dont know what it is maybe its my mind tricking me that im in a rather safe space that it is ok to vomit out my thoughts/words and then do the tricky part of editing it and shaping it. but it does seem like a faster and better way to get things done – without the need for music and that’s always a plus. so wordpressing all my documents and transferring them.

got it.

alright now its time to start the smallest task and move my way upward and i’ll be back with more updates BYE for now  (0949)


update at 1520

ive done most of the simple chores on my to do list; i have organised the things i am supposed to bring and bought the small items that i have to use for the conference tommorow

im feeling very conflicted and unmotivated and lost and angry with myself for not being better and so useless

i want to rediscover my passion for this i want to i want to i want to


update at 1816

im actually incredibly nervous i dont know why its not the first time im doing this for god’s sake im nearly half a criminal with all the creeping around i do in the house on a daily basis but is asking for my phone that hard??

thank god for mich though im going to live update her as this goes along WISH ME LUCK


update 1832

 

still have a shit ton to do write my speeches and lobby and download apps

 

THATS RIGHT I GOT A PHONE- a shit replacement one BUT HEY

 

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