met you at the train station today – sorta, it went something like:
me stepping off the escalator, oh cool a student nice jacket though wish i had it too
alrighty which side to paya lebar
turns right oh hold on is that –
i keep walking, life isnt a movie scene where the lead actor/actress stops and everything goes into slo-mo, but i know i slow down as a wall of emotions hit me
i should look away
no but how are you
no, look away honey
but how are you
ah dammit keep walking keep walking
oh no almost overtook slow down
okay this isnt the right side i should turn left
why are you only 10 steps away
should i say hello nah you probably dont remember
stop being melodramatic will you just turn around
double turns oh i see you
ah yes where is n on TELEGRAM
how long is my train
dammit its 4 minutes what do i do
looks at the other side oh dear its 4 minutes as well
ughh its so empty here what if he remembers what if he sees me i was so gross
oh dear i look horrible (read: bangs are up, hairs in a somewhat messy ponytail, fbts, oversized orientation tee i didnt bother tucking in so it looks like a tshirt dress, casual (messy) herschel over one shoulder ezlink in the hand me holding onto my dear phone for life) what if he sees me what if he remembers o god i was so gross then eek
ok shit now what i shouldnt look up
okok lets go onto snapchat and just say random things
and text k because yknow she doesnt mind you spamming her
ok all is well is it four minutes yet
are you happy?
am i over this?
am i happy without you?
(what a drama queen)
freezing in motion and looking at yourself in the reflection
eh probably i suppose so haha
oh youre on your phone no why did you look up ah nono please dont
i think the train is coming
why are you looking here
you look good, you look happy i think – or at least thats what i can see from the reflection
do you feel anything?
apart from a twinge of sadness, no, i dont feel anything, in fact im kinda happy this is all a great shock lmao
its nice seeing you again i guess what ifs
the trains are here omg yes are you going too
aircon is lovely
hold on where are you
why are the train doors not closing
oh there you are
you step in, without a second glance and im glad you dont turn back
i watch your back and then you turn to the side to grab a seat
train doors closing beepbeepbeep
alright take a breath note this down, text your friends.
im glad we didnt have second glances this time round.
its a lovely jacket where do i get one of those ah never mind i’ll need a boyfriend for that
oh hold on wheres that 3/11/15 little post i wrote the day i met you
wow we’re so different now
i kinda miss you – the scar stays but its a happy one and i really wish you all the best in everything; your motivation and all (i WANT to say inspire but im going to use that word more cautiously now) is something i look up to, if only we were friends, if only i got into the same place i dreamt of, if only, if only – if only i could say thank you.
i loved you.
this is a truthful representation of what went on in my head throughout this entire 7 minute of being in the same area less than 50 m away from someone i loved, or i suppose (in hindsight) was my first infatuation of sorts; but yet ive learnt so much from this one person.
i often write about my feelings and takes on love and being hurt by it on this wordpress of sorts and its quite silly having always been at a stage of ‘sorta’ and ‘really but not really’ – perhaps this has to do with my perpetual curiosity about the idea of commitment and my circumstances. yet funnily enough i dont ‘ec’ or ‘crush/infactuate’ about people that often as my peers do (huh), i am a feeling sort of person and maybe that’s why with time these pretentious little words come out as a way of self expression — also now that ive reflected of sorts, yeah i think the promise i made to myself has been going QUITE smoothly – dont fall, but fall hard if you do.
stupid- the takeaways and tears have been quite the mess- but also cool because you dont just be around someone who you really admire and have all your lovely feelings tangled up in the messes of teenage angst infactuation admiration love and vulnerability
GOD I AM SO DRAMATIC HAHAHA bye